I don't know how to start this post off.... I lost the most amazing guy a girl could ask for, what else is there to say? I guess this post will be about why I lost him and the plans now. Here I go:
About our relationship
Honestly I can say that Chris was my best friend and he still is. Our relationship had some pretty rough spots but overall we had a great relationships. I learned so many amazing great things from Chris. I love how we could be our complete self's around each other and never have to worry about what the other person thought. Chris honestly brought out the best in me. Whenever I was upset, down or sad that kid would not only make me smile but make me feel all over better. I have never been with someone who cared so much about me before and I wish I could have realized that sooner. I also loved that whenever we did get in a argument it would pass in 5 minutes because we would end up agreeing with each other. I also love when we would be in an argument and I would be trying SO hard to be serious and he would just keep making me laugh. Talking about all this right now is making me smile SO big. I may have lost Chris as my boyfriend but he will always be my friend and we will always have the best relationship with each other. We told each other everything!! Chris really started opening up at the end of our relationship and really started sharing his feelings and telling me all about life and I don't think that is going to change just because we aren't boyfriend and girlfriend. I have so many great memories with Chris that I will never forget and never feel sad about. Chris really changed my life in so many good ways and I am so happy that I can say I dated him TWICE haha. I will always have a special place for him in my heart.
Why it ended
Ahhhhh This is where I am going to look like a horrible person. I'm not going to go into full detail but I will say it was ALL my fault. I didn't treat Chris how he deserved to be treated, not at all. I would always tell him it's the little things that mean the most.... I didn't realize I was doing a bunch of wrong little things that started to add up. When I drink I turn into the biggest flirt and it gets me in horrible trouble and that is what really did it this time. I did nothing extremely wrong all at once but over the year I have done tiny wrong things here and there. Chris has every right to be mad at me and not want to be with me. If I was in his shoes I would honestly be SOOO mad. I shouldn't have gone out and gotten drunk and flirted with a bunch of people because it lead me to bad things. I'm so sorry for my actions to ANYONE who was involved in this. I clearly wasn't thinking of the outcome of any of this.
How I feel
I feel so many emotions right now it's crazy.... I didn't think it was possible to feel this many emotions at once and all for different reasons. I will tell all of them and why I am feeling them. Sad: Because I lost the most amazing guy anyone could have because I wasn't thinking clearly and I didn't tell him the truth right away. Disappointed: I'm so disappointed in myself because I acted the way I did. Mad: Because there is nothing I can do now. Happy: Because Chris was able to do what was best for him and leave me and we are still really close. Hurt: Because I hurt Chris. Relaxed: Because everything is out and I told him the truth. Ashamed: Because of what I did. Excited: Because I can't wait to really get on a true friend level with Chris. Bugged: Because I wasn't able to confront Chris on all this someone else told him. Scared: Because I never want Chris outta my life. Alone: Because I don't have Chris holding my hand through all this and I really need him. Hope: Because maybe just maybe I will get a third time. And so much more but those are the main ones. I'm honestly OK with all of this because I know Chris wanted it and it will make him more happy, yeah I'm hurt but I will be okay. All I want right now is Chris happy, I don't care about myself. He is happy so I am happy, at least I am trying my hardest to be. But for the people worried about me or anything I'm honestly content with life right now :)
What now?
I'm going to work on becoming a better person! I'm done drinking, completely! I just don't like who I turn into when I drink and I hurt the people around me when I do, so why do it? I'm going to really start working on myself and figuring out who I am and what I want with my life. I still plan on hanging out with Chris all the time because he is my best friend. I'm going to start hanging out with people that I know care about me and want the best for me. I really just need to better my life!! I know I have a great family, great friends and Chris supporting me along the way! I know things will start to look up for me, I have a great feeling. :)
Thank you for reading and have a great night :)
